You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
