You're my little dorito
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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