I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
