The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
