Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
