omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
