Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
