My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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