i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
