This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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