This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
