I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
