I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize
