Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
