my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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