Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
