you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
