so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
