You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
