meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
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