ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
