Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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