omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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