All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
