I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
