Your face is a jimmy john
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
