drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
