Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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