a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Will you blow on my dice?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
