Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
