Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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