My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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