life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
