he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
