Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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