Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
