FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
