You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
