you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
