dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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