so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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