btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
