There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
