Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
