Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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