I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
