Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
