my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Ladies don't puke and tell
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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