uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
A bitchslap is in order.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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