im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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