I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
