Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
