My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
